CM

           

PRAYER 

Approaching ninety, and still with a hope

That I could tell it, say it, blurt it out. 

If not before people, at least before You,

Who nourished me with honey and wormwood. 

I am ashamed, for I must believe you protected me,

As if I had for You some particular merit. 

I was like those in the gulags who fashioned a cross from twigs

And prayed to it at night in the barracks. 

I made a plea and You deigned to answer it,

So that I could see how unreasonable it was. 

But when out of pity for others I begged a miracle,

The sky and the earth were silent, as always. 

Morally suspect because of my belief in You,

I admired unbelievers for their simple persistence. 

What sort of adorer of Majesty am I,

If I consider religion good only for the weak like myself? 

The least-normal person in Father Chomski's class,

I had already fixed my sights on the swirling vortex of a destiny. 

Now You are closing down my five senses, slowly,

And I am an old man lying in darkness. 

Delivered to that thing which has oppressed me

So that I always ran forward, composing poems.

Liberate me from guilt, real and imagined.

Give me certainty that I toiled for Your glory. 

In the hour of the agony of death, help me with Your suffering

Which cannot save the world from pain.

LATE RIPENESS

Not soon, as late as the approach of my ninetieth year,

I felt a door opening in me and I entered

the clarity of early morning. 

One after another my former lives were departing,

like ships, together with their sorrow. 

And the countries, cities, gardens, the bays of seas

assigned to my brush came closer,

ready now to be described better than they were before. 

I was not separated from people,

grief and pity joined us.

We forget-I kept saying-that we are all children of the King. 

For where we come from there is no division

into Yes and No, into is, was, and will be. 

We were miserable, we used no more than a hundredth part

of the gift we received for our long journey. 

Moments from yesterday and from centuries ago-

a sword blow, the painting of eyelashes before a mirror

of polished metal, a lethal musket shot, a caravel

staving its hull against a reef-they dwell in us,

waiting for a fulfillment. 

I knew, always, that I would be a worker in the vineyard,

as are all men and women living at the same time,

whether they are aware of it or not. 

An Alcoholic Enters the Gates of Heaven

What kind of man I was to be you’ve known since the beginning,

since the beginning of every creature.

It must be horrible to be aware, simultaneously,

of what is, what was,

and what will be.

I began my life confident and happy,

certain that the Sun rose every day for me

and that flowers opened for me every morning.

I ran all day in an enchanted garden.

Not suspecting that you had picked me from the Book of Genes

for another experiment altogether.

As if there were not proof enough

that free will is useless against destiny.

Under your amused glance I suffered

like a caterpillar impaled on the spike of a blackthorn.

The terror of the world opened itself to me.

Could I have avoided escape into illusion?

Into a liquor which stopped the chattering of teeth

and melted the burning ball in my breast

and made me think I could live like others?

I realized I was wandering from hope to hope

and I asked you, All Knowing, why you torture me.

Is it a trial like Job’s, so that I call faith a phantom

and say: You are not, nor do your verdicts exist,

and the earth is ruled by accident?

Who can contemplate

simultaneous, a-billion-times-multiplied pain?

It seems to me that people who cannot believe in you

deserve your praise.

But perhaps because you were overwhelmed by pity,

you descended to the earth

to experience the condition of mortal creatures.

Bore the pain of crucifixion for a sin, but committed by whom?

I pray to you, for I do not know how not to pray.

Because my heart desires you,

though I do not believe you would cure me.

And so it must be, that those who suffer will continue to suffer,

praising your name.